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Save the planet, Baby!

We’re all worried about the environment– even those folks who drive big honkin’ Hummers and keep the AC going full blast at the summer house until January, while simultaneously lighting the fireplace. Perhaps they’re even more concerned than the Average Joe because the world now has only about two and a half weeks of fossil fuels left, and big boys’ big toys need a lot of juice.

For those of us with a conscience and a desire to leave the world a better place than we found it, our behavior has to change. This is never easy. In fact, living in a society which guarantees the availability of all-night Big Gulps, next-day shipping and round-the-clock customer service makes lifestyle modification that much more difficult. We’ve not just become slaves to technology; we are its placid pet, purring contentedly in our microchip-induced slumber.

Here, then, are several ways to implement a quaint concept: the 3R’s (reduce, reuse, and recycle) while still enjoying the best that Mother Earth has to offer:

1) Consume less. Stop shopping at WalMart. Sorry, but they’re greedy bastards out of a red state who hawk inferior products, most of which are made overseas (which means, not by Americans who need jobs). Sure, it’s cheap– and it’s never more obvious than when it snaps in two just as the checker is bagging it. Getting by with half of what we used to buy offers surprising benefits, such as weight loss, lower credit card balances and– what a thought– less stuff to clean, sort, put away and then throw away. Your home will actually seem larger, and you’ll be able to find the kids the first time through.

2) The simple act of recycling cannot be stressed enough. Don’t throw away anything. Ever. While this may get you featured on the television show Hoarders (which is ‘one degree of separation’ from Antiques Roadshow), you’ll enjoy bragging rights by exclaiming, “You won’t find any trash in my garbage cans”.

3) Grow your own fast food. After harvesting from your backyard garden, basil and pine nuts become pesto; with fresh tomatoes and Romano cheese, toss with homemade pasta or make a delightful bruschetta. Sure, it takes a few more minutes than screaming ‘Super Size Me!’  but you’ll live longer and when you die there won’t be forty-six pounds of putrefied, chemically altered beef in your intestines. And you’ll be adding oxygen to the atmosphere, rather than exhaust fumes. Or methane.

4) New wardrobe? Why? We live in Arizona, for Pete’s sake. Go forth, naked and proud, nipples to the wind, with the sun in your eyes and a raging dust storm at your back. At the very least, buy resale. It’s cheap, relatively clean, and if you trim those lapels you won’t look like Travolta in that god-awful disco movie from the Seventies.

5) Abandon your Pontiac somewhere in the Pinals– birds love new sanctuaries and your carbon ‘footprint’ will be erased permanently, or until the automobile dissolves, ashes-to-ashes. This beats leaving your car on the west side of Phoenix, where it could get carjacked– short term, your carbon ‘footprint’ is lessened; long term means gangbanger drag races and more greenhouse gases.

6) Forget electricity– it’s so last century. Everything’s batteries, baby, and we all live at the Internet Café  today. Gimme a half-caf-decaf-soy-chai-mocha-latte brimming with superfoam– and a keyboard– and I could power the entire East Coast with my typing. Candles, too, are making a comeback. Boomers are aging and the candle we formerly burned at both ends now casts a lovely light upon our sagging jaw lines.

7) Water is a precious commodity, worth more than oil or gold in some countries. This is why it’s essential  to conserve it! Drinking vodka– or Red Bull– or both together will save our H2O for a rainy day. Bathe in milk to retain a youthful glow. Tear out your lawn, go with xeriscaping and throw out the lawn sprinklers. Better yet, run vodka through those sprinklers and have a helluva party on the new gravel, but watch out for that cactus– especially if you’ve gone with ‘clothing optional’!

Making a few simple changes can have lasting effects, and our children’s children’s adopted children will be grateful that we took a few baby steps to ensure the survivability of our precious planet. Think about it. See you at the Internet Café– or the Thrift Shoppe!

NOTE: I practice what I preach with regards to re-use… this article has been recycled and reprinted from my former blog, 4hands2visions– DL

2 comments

  1. Made me laugh out loud. As usual, thank you for a good, entertaining read, Darin.

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